Master talking about sex with him in 7 easy steps
Whether you just met or have been together for a while, expressing your sexual needs and desires to your partner can be super awkward. In our culture, openly talking about sex is not the norm.
I talk to a lot of women in my practice, and I can tell you that based on my conversations, lack of communication and sexual dissatisfaction are enormous and widespread problems in relationships. So if you are experiencing it, know that you are not alone.
I’ve found that reminding people of this fact offers them some solace which is a great start. But my job is not just to offer solace but to help women figure out how to get the sexual satisfaction that they want and deserve.
Sexual dissatisfaction is insidious. Over time it can erode your feelings for your partner, overall happiness and even your health. So please don’t feel like you’re ovesexed or some kind of pervert if you are craving more sex and pleasure in your life. It’s natural and normal, and vital to your health and mental wellbeing.
The good news is that most couples can reignite the spark in their relationship even if it’s been barely lit for ages. It just requires courage and strategy to open up to your partner and quarterback the conversation on what you both can do to make your sex life more fulfilling.
I developed The V. Club’s 7-step masterplan to help you approach this difficult topic in the most productive and comfortable manner possible.
For some of my clients, this plan has helped turn an innocuous conversation about sex into a highly charged sexual experience that reignited the spark immediately and permanently opened up new lines of communication in their relationship.
If you are unsure if this 7-step masterplan will work for your specific circumstances, please do get in touch with me directly so we can figure out the best way to approach the discussion with your partner and turn things around in your relationship.
Here’s your 7-step masterplan for talking about sex:
Telling your partner about your sexual needs and desires should follow this universal rule: No beating around the bush or using soft or confusing language. This is not the time to be coy. In fact, talking about sex using proper terminology and expressing yourself openly and directly, including making direct eye contact, can actually be hot.
Make it hot.
Telling your partner how you want things to be different in the bedroom can go one of two ways: you can make it hot, or you can make it sound like a grievance.
Hearing your partner say, “I want to f- your brains out and need you to do __ and __ to me,” can be a very huge turn on. That is how I talk to my partner. I keep an open and transparent line of sexual communication in my relationship which gives me an extremely fulfilling sex life. And you can do the same.
You can dial this down and use milder language, or turn it up and go crazy with it. The key is to find words that feel authentic to you. Whatever language resonates, I encourage you to push yourself out of your comfort zone when you’re talking about sex and turn the dial up a notch over what you’re used to.
Use positive phrasing.
This rule applies to most conversations you will have in your life, but it is absolutely critical when it comes to ‘critiquing’ your partner’s sexual skills.
If your words cut a little too deep, they could cause serious if not irreparable damage to your sex life with this person. Your partner could have a negative reaction that hurts them deeply or even develop psychological longterm performance anxiety.
For example, instead of saying, “You finger me too hard, can you be gentler,” you could reframe it as, “I love when you finger me gently, your hands feel so good that way.”
Use the sandwich principle.
Say something flattering or nice, gently slip in what you want or need to say, then finish strong with another positive comment. This is a widely proven way to keep your message positive and constructive without making your partner feel like you’re scolding him or just pointing out his flaws.
For example, you could say something like, “Yesterday was great, that thing you did with your tongue drove me wild. I’d really like it if we could go a little slower next time, so we can enjoy it for longer. Also, I loved when you were kissing my neck.”
See what we did there? Praise, desire, praise – a winning sandwich combination! It’s especially important to use this type of technique if you are trying to reignite the spark in your relationship and have a long list of desires and things that you want to change in your sex life.
Choose your timing carefully.
Unless you are doing a live demonstration of how you want your guy to please you in bed (see point #6), it’s critical to choose the right time to discuss his sex skills. There is a right (and wrong) time to have this conversation. The short answer? Not during the act itself.
What should you do if you want to set your guy on the right path while you’re actually having sex? If he’s not being gentle enough or stimulating the wrong area, show him what he should be doing. Just take his hand and lead the way for him.
If you’re feeling shy, just remember that for most men, watching a woman masturbate is huge fantasy so it will drive him absolutely wild. This is where bravery comes in. A glass of wine or whatever gets you to loosen up could help if this is your first time touching yourself in front of your partner.
I promise you, it will be a lot less scary after the first time, and perhaps it will turn into a new sexual activity that you can do together.
Moan with encouragement.
A few well-timed moans or an “oh yes, right there” is a great way to let him know he is hitting the right spot. It will also be a huge turn on for him too.
Sounds is actually one of the top male turn-ons that I cover in my Men by Design masterclass.
The noises we make is one of the many gender differences when it comes to the science of what turns us on. The key to being great in bed for your partner and getting full satisfaction out of your sex life is to understand how the gender differences affect our needs and desires.
If you feel so awkward that you can’t bring yourself to do some of the things on this 7-step masterplan, please do get in touch with your thoughts and concerns.
You can also consider taking our Ladies Come First class where you can discover things about the female anatomy that most women don’t know about and the best ways to talk about sex and ask for what you want.