How often do you find yourself not in the mood to have sex?
It’s a common misperception that women most often utter “I’m just not in the mood tonight.” Based on my conversations with women that come to The V. Club, for many couples it’s actually the men who want less sex.
Sexual receptivity – saying Yes when your partner wants to get frisky – is one of the key predictors of relationship satisfaction and longevity. Whether it’s due to mismatched sex drives or relationship issues, if one partner is “not in the mood” often enough, it can cause serious if not irreparable damage to the relationship over time.
Let’s get to the bottom of why it’s happening and what you can do to be up for sex more often.
Is it the issues in your relationship?
If you’re finding yourself not in the mood often, first ask yourself if you could be unhappy with your relationship. I don’t mean bored sexually, but unhappy for non-sexual reasons. Perhaps you are not feeling heard or understood? There are many reasons why you could be feeling dissatisfied. Whatever the reason, it’s important to explore how you can get to a better place.
I recommend seeing a sex and relationship coach or therapist. They can help you get clear on what’s happening between you and your partner out of the bedroom. Once that’s fixed, then you can fix things in the bedroom.
Got a great partner, but you’re still not in the mood?
What if you often find yourself saying “Not tonight. I have a headache, honey,” when you have a partner who listens to you, shows you affection and who is your sexual match?
Sex is the glue that holds a romantic partnership together. So, in a long-term relationship with a compatible partner, let’s re-think things before we say, “I’m not in the mood.”
Here are 3 common reasons why you might not be feeling up for sex as often as you you’d like, along with 6 mindset shifts and other tricks that you can use to get yourself in the mood fast.
Too tired for sex? Try a positive re-frame or…just go for it anyway.
You had a long day. The only thing you want to do is crawl into bed and zone out on Netflix. I get it. This is me most nights!
Here’s a positive re-frame….You know when exercise can actually give us energy? Same is true for sex-ercise! We may be feeling drained, but remember that sex is a life-giving act that can revive our spirit and put color in our cheeks.
The truth is, most of us women are not often in the mood…at first. But did you know that for many of us, the way it works in a long-term relationship is we get in the mood only after we start fooling around with our partner?
Check out Emily Nagoski’s bestselling book Come As You Are to understand the various ways that arousal can work. If you’re beating yourself up because you’re in a great relationship but no longer feel spontaneously aroused by your longterm partner, this book can help you feel better and more aroused.
Confucius said, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” I say, “A journey towards a good orgasm begins with a single sexy kiss.”
Got a lot on your mind? Let your worries out.
Thinking of the sheer size of my college debt, my parents visit in 2 days, the dog needs to go to the vet, and I have cellulite on my stomach!
Maybe you need to vent before you can focus solely on the sins of the flesh. If you have a partner who can listen and hold you while you ‘get it out,’ chances are you will be ready to go afterwards and it may be better than ever. (Maybe leave out your woes over your cellulite!)
If you don’t like to vent to your partner, find a girlfriend or a diary, but bottom line is “GET IT OUT!” This will free you up to be present when you have sex later.
Just not feeling sexy? These 3 tips will help.
So, maybe you have dimples on the wrong set of cheeks or maybe even on your stomach. #cellulite
Your inner critic is raging at you about your looks. Guess what? Guys usually don’t care about the bodily things that we care about as long as they can see we are hungry for sex with them. This is one of the 4 key factors that determine his excitement and the strength of his orgasm during sex, actually.
Check out our masterclass Men by Design to get the other 3 key factors and learn how to be great in bed without ever worrying about how you look.
In the meantime, here are a few quick fixes for feeling sexier, even if you have to fake it until you make it. Put on some sexy lingerie and put down your to-do list. Also consider popping in some kegel balls (aka ben wa balls or vaginal balls) for 15 or more minutes before you start having sex. You could be doing anything while the balls do their thing – they will make you feel aroused and ready even while you cook dinner.
Let’s re-cap! Here are 6 things you can do that will get you in the mood:
1) Positive re-frame: Sex will give me energy.
2) Start fooling around when you’re not feeling like it and see if you get into it after a few minutes.
3) Let your worries out to someone who will listen.
4) Forget about your imperfect body for a second. It’s in your head, not his.
5) Put on something sexy to make you feel sexy.
6) Pop in some kegel balls to make yourself more aroused.
Remember, while you are ‘not in the mood,’ life is passing you by in terms of pleasure, sexual self-expression and orgasm. The glue to your relationship could be weakening. You deserve to desire…. Now, go! Get in the mood!