How often do you find yourself not in the mood to have sex? It’s a common misperception that women most often utter “I’m just not in the mood tonight,” but men also often find themselves feeling that way too.
If one partner is “not in the mood” often, the couple can start to lose their connection and grow apart. Sexual receptivity – saying Yes when your partner wants to get frisky – is one of the key predictors of relationship satisfaction and longevity.
Is it the issues in your relationship?
If you’re finding yourself not in the mood often, first ask yourself how often this happens.
If you realize you’ve been saying this for the past 7 years, you might want to seek therapy. That’s what happened to me in a very unhappy marriage. I realized I was not in the mood more often than not, and I had to look at my entire relationship with the help of a therapist.
Therapy helped me realize that there was something abusive going on. I have a lot of empathy for my former self who went through this, and it’s no wonder I was not in the mood.
If you feel bad about yourself in your relationship and you don’t know why, it’s important to explore how you can get to a better place. I recommend seeing a therapist. They can help you get clear on what’s happening between you and your partner in and out of the bedroom.
Got a great partner, but you’re still not in the mood?
What if you often find yourself saying “Not tonight. I have a headache, honey,” when you have a partner who listens to you, shows you affection and who is your sexual match?
Sex is the glue that holds a romantic partnership together. So, in a long-term relationship with a compatible partner, let’s re-think things before we say, “I’m not in the mood.”
Let’s take a look at the three things that may be preventing you from feeling hot and bothered in a great relationship:
1. You’re tired.
You had a long day. The only thing you want to do is crawl into bed and zone out on Netflix. I get it. This is me most nights!
Here’s a positive re-frame….You know when exercise can actually give us energy? Same is true for sex-ercise! We may be feeling drained, but remember that sex is a life-giving act that can revive our spirit and put color in our cheeks.
The truth is, most of us women are not often in the mood…at first. But did you know that for many of us, the way it works in a long-term relationship is we get in the mood only after we start fooling around with our partner? Check out Emily Nagoski’s bestselling book Come As You Are to understand the various ways that arousal can work. If you’re beating yourself up because you’re in a great relationship but no longer feel spontaneously aroused by your longterm partner, this book can help you feel better and more aroused.
Confucius said, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” I say, “A journey towards a good orgasm begins with a single sexy kiss.”
2. You’ve got a lot on your mind.
Thinking of the sheer size of my college debt, my parents visit in 2 days, the dog needs to go to the vet, and I have cellulite on my stomach!
Maybe you need to vent before you can focus solely on the sins of the flesh. If you have a partner who can listen and hold you while you ‘get it out,’ chances are you will be ready to go afterwards and it may be better than ever. (Maybe leave out your woes over your cellulite!)
If you don’t like to vent to your partner, find a girlfriend or a diary, but bottom line is “GET IT OUT!” This will free you up to be present with your sexy lover.
3. You just don’t feel sexy.
So, maybe you have dimples on the wrong set of cheeks or maybe even on your stomach. #cellulite
Your inner critic is raging at you about your looks. Guess what? Guys usually don’t care about the bodily things that we care about as long as they can see we are hungry for sex with them. This is one of the key factors that determine the strength of his orgasm actually.
If you took our masterclass, Men by Design, you would know how men are visually oriented and you would learn the tricks and tips for having great sex without ever worrying about how you look.
In the meantime, here are a few quick fixes for feeling sexier, even if we have to fake it until we make it. Put on some sexy undies and put down your to-do list. Also consider popping in some kegel balls (aka ben wa balls or vaginal balls) for 15 or more minutes before you start having sex. You could be doing anything while the balls do their thing – they can make you feel aroused and juicy even while you cook dinner.
Let’s re-cap! Here are 6 things you can do that will get you in the mood:
1) Positive re-frame: Sex will give me energy.
2) Start fooling around and then check your moodl
3) Let your worries out to someone who will listen.
4) Forget about your imperfect body for a second.
5) Put on something sexy to make you feel sexy.
6) Pop in some Kegel Balls to make yourself more alluring.
Remember, while you are ‘not in the mood,’ life is passing you by in terms of pleasure, sexual self-expression and orgasm. The glue to your relationship could be weakening. You deserve to desire…. Now, go! Get in the mood!