Cunnilingus can, and should, play a big part in a sexual experience. With many women having some difficulty reaching orgasm, having your partner go down on you in the right way can be a huge help in crossing the finish line. Receiving oral sex can also add to the overall feeling of intimacy between partners. But how do you perform cunnilingus in the right way or explain how you like it to your partner? It is a black box to many men and women. This article should set you on the path to demystify it.
“Cunnilinguists of the world unite. The revolution is upon us. Vive la Vulva!” – Ian Kerner, PhD
God love him. Psychologist and sex therapist Ian Kerner writes passionately and intelligently about the female anatomy in his book She Comes First. This book provides detailed step by step guidance for men about the art of cunnilingus. Emphasis on the art of it, Kerner even uses the rhythmic poetry of Shakespeare to help a man understand the needs of a woman when it comes to being kissed down there.
This book is an invaluable read for women as well to find out about all of the sensitive and highly orgasmic parts we own but maybe haven’t explored yet ourselves. It turns out that we have a treasure chest of erogenous zones on the inside and out. Discovering them all takes time, patience, practice and sometimes a hand held mirror!
One of my favorite practical teachings of his has to do with building anticipation leading up to engaging in oral sex. I think this is where men get tripped up the most. In general, men like it fast, we like it slow.
(Now I want to insert a disclaimer here. Let me acknowledge that every man is different and comes with his own set of experiences and skill level. For the purposes of efficiency, when I refer to “men,” please understand I’m not referring to all men. Now that we’ve got that out of the way…)
It’s difficult for most men to understand that we need more time to get aroused and achieve orgasm. Men have testosterone which can feed an animal-like hunger and tendency to sprint to the finish. Men, pay attention: the slower you go, the more we want it.
In Chapter 25 (…yes, that far into the book. Kerner builds anticipation even in his writing!), he writes about “The Approach” to engaging in that first kiss in cunnilingus. This is what I’m talking about. How many of you have had lovers who have gone straight for your clitoris without any sort of build up or teasing? Our erogenous zones need that warm-up, just like a warm-up at the gym. We don’t head straight for the heaviest weights without a little stretching or cardio, right?
Kerner lovingly describes that first kiss on a woman’s genitals as a moment that should “literally take her breath away.” Now I realize that if you’re a woman reading this, I am most likely preaching to the choir. So, how does this information help you?
I believe that the more you can help your partner delay that first genital kiss, the more success he will have in bringing you to the heights of pleasure. Of course, there are many things to incorporate skillfully (tongue, chin, fingers, hands) once your partner begins, but that’s why I bring up this book! First thing’s first! Build that anticipation, fellas! We are well worth the wait.
So, ladies, how do you help your partner delay?
When we go down on our partner or stimulate him manually for a short period of time, it can be psychologically arousing for us. But let’s not rush to get him to the finish line because we don’t want him to come just yet. After all, ladies should come first, and Kerner agrees. We need the time to become psychologically aroused. Giving pleasure to our partner is one way to do this. If performing oral sex or giving a handjob feels like a chore to you, try to reframe how you think about it in this way.
Encourage him to tease you.
Ask him to kiss you through your panties or pull down one side of your panties and have him kiss you on your hip. Kerner suggests for men to have a mindful moment of vulva appreciation bordering on worshipping the entire genital area of a woman before ever making tongue or lip contact with the clitoris.
This is easier said than done. But if we can model creating a mood of sacredness, sensuality, and ritual, it can transmit to our partners that we are present and not in a rush with them, that we are safe to be with, and that we honor each part of them in the sexual experience. Kerner writes of the “moment before” and encourages men to mentally prepare for the experience ahead with full appreciation of the sights, sounds, and scents that encompass our “beautiful essence.”
The topic of cunnilingus is just as vast as the range of pleasure and displeasure in the experience of receiving it. The female anatomy is complex and going down on a woman is an art, but it can be mastered. I urge men and women to read Ian Kerner’s She Comes First. We can’t change anyone but ourselves, but it wouldn’t hurt to “accidentally” leave this book on your partner’s bedside table. Oh, and did I mention reading this book with your partner in bed can be very beneficial?