Remember when you were a kid and you were scared of monsters? You made your mom look in your closet and under your bed for the boogie man, while you covered up that stuffed clown so it wouldn’t stare at you all night? No one can blame you – kids have active imaginations and clowns are unnatural. You’re probably no longer scared of a monster under your bed, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any monsters still out there, lurking. And they’re probably in your bedroom.
Grown-ups have hang-ups too. They may or may not still involve clowns, but they very often involve sex. And even though it may all be in your head, it still has the power to ruin good things in your life, including a satisfying sex life and a deep sexual connection with another person. That’s why when it comes to the monsters in your bed, you have to put up a fight in order to have a fulfilling long term relationship and get what you deserve to get out of it – because you’re fabulous, and you’re worth fighting for!
The Orgasm Ogre
Not being able to orgasm during sex is something all women have struggled with at some point, some more than others. In the world of sex monsters that plague you, this one is tough because it seems to have so many heads. Not being able to orgasm with your partner fills you with insecurity; it makes you think that something is wrong with you, and creates a fear that you’re letting your partner down. That stress makes it even harder to orgasm because you’re worried about it. It’s a vicious cycle and can be difficult to overcome, eroding the pleasures you should be taking from sex.
We’re going to let you in on a little secret: There’s no right way to orgasm during sex. We actually had a friend whose partner told her once that rubbing her own clitoris during sex was somehow cheating to orgasm. He got the boot soon after that because he was wrong! Many, many women (read: over 70%) need direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm during sex. So unless your partner has some crazy shaped penis or is a cast member from Cirque du Soleil, there’s no shame in exploring other avenues to orgasm. No matter how much men want to believe it, a penis alone can’t always get the job done.
Your clitoris has enormous potential, and you do too. So, don’t be afraid to use your hands, a vibrator, or some other implement to help you get there. If your partner isn’t into it, then hopefully he can learn to enjoy giving you a hand in defeating your orgasm ogre. If he’s resistant to the idea, then learn how to communicate what you want to him better — we happen to have a few very helpful and entertaining articles about that very topic!
Remember, you deserve to feel good during sex too, and there’s no wrong way to find it.
The Body Image Beast
Another monster in your bed is one almost every woman knows well – the body image beast. You could be out with your new partner and be ecstatic that everything is going great. Then, when it’s time to get naked you freeze up and freak out because, well, few women look like Gisele Bundchen without clothes on. So, you creatively use the sheets or a sex position to cover yourself.
OK – here’s another thing we need to get straight: Gisele Bundchen doesn’t even look like Gisele Bundchen when she’s naked. You are you, and you’re beautiful as you are. And if your partner didn’t want to be with you because he didn’t find you attractive then he wouldn’t be there. In other words, he knew about your little Buddha belly when he asked you out and he wants to get naked with you because he likes it. What attracts a man to you and drives them wild in bed isn’t a perfect body, but your confidence and enthusiasm in the bedroom and out. Men aren’t looking at your wayward stretch marks, dimple, or other little thing you think of as an imperfection. In fact, from an evolutionary standpoint, men are wired to look at the big picture and miss the little things, which makes the argument that he cares about your energy and vibe in the bedroom much more than he cares about the size of your breasts or the size of your booty.
The body image beast can, admittedly, be a large beast to overpower, but understand that your partner sees you and he likes what he sees.
The Sexual Skills Creature
You need to find a way to be confident in your looks and your skills in the bedroom because the sexual skills creature is lurking, trying to make you doubt your skill set. It can be easy with a new partner to wonder about their previous sexual experiences. Did their ex give incredible blow jobs? Could she put her legs behind her head? You’re comparing yourself to people you don’t even know, so stop it. You need to find a way to quiet this creature and live in the moment.
You know what you’re doing; you’re your own beast in the bedroom, so show your partner your skills. If there’s an area of sexpertise you’re not feeling confident in, then do some research on how to do it better. Our website has a ton of how-to videos and articles on everything from handjobs to oral sex. Don’t be afraid to go out and get professional advice – professional tips are welcome, just probably not in person. Remember, it’s not a contest. Your partner will appreciate your efforts and enthusiasm to learn. Believe us, he’s thrilled you want to do things with his penis. Men are really very simple creatures. It’s in his DNA to overlook the little things and see the bigger picture. What is attracting him to you is your energy and enthusiasm, not your sex skills or perfect looks.
The Distrust Demon
Trust is essential in a relationship, and if you don’t have it, then your sex life will suffer. Most of us don’t go into a relationship thinking “I am not going to trust this person, ever.” It’s not a conscious choice, it’s just the result of having been burned before – and we’ve all been burned. That kind of baggage makes it much harder to be honest with your partner about what you want and what you need in bed.
Here’s an example of what we’re talking about: You had an ex-boyfriend who thought going down on you was gross. So, you don’t ask men you’re sleeping with to go down on you anymore, because all you hear in your head is your ex-idiot saying “gross” in answer to your request. You just assume that is something every man thinks. Let us assure you, that is not what all men think at all. Most men love going down on women or at least are open to trying. The lesson to learn here is you need to try not to give the distrust demon a free ride to every relationship you’re in. It’ll keep both of you from enjoying each other and discovering the things you like in bed. A lack of trust will almost certainly kill your sexual connection with your partner – and when that goes, the relationship will go right along with it.
The Baggage Brute
The Distrust Demon and the Baggage Brute are close friends. Our experiences shape us. So, that time you had that bad experience with beach sex (sand is not your vagina’s friend) may mean you never want to have beach sex again. That’s certainly reasonable, but other experiences may always be bad in your mind when they don’t have to be – and that can make you miss out on a lot of good stuff.
Take anal sex, for example. Most women recoil in fear at its mere mention, but if you’re with a partner who has experience and knows what they’re doing, it can be one of the best sexual experiences of your life. Bad experiences can turn you off of it forever – and that’s not fair to you or your future partners because what they’re getting from you isn’t a relationship built on trust and understanding, but baggage.
You certainly know your own limits, and if something is a firm no for you, then your partner needs to respect it. You should try to keep an open mind as much as you can, though. Do it for yourself and for your partners and leave negative Nellie at the bedroom door. She has no place in a threesome.
The monsters in your closet and under your bed might be gone, but other monsters still creep around – and they’re in your head. Sex is one of the key building blocks of a happy and lasting relationship. These monsters have the potential to ruins your sex life and your overall love life too. Don’t let them ruin what should and can be fantastic sex and a great relationship for you because you deserve better than that! Sex and love are some of the best things in life, so don’t hold yourself back. Be the sexpert and relationship guru we know you can be!