When you really think about it, your relationship with your partner is the most intimate of your life. After all, you have sex with this person – this is the most vulnerable you could ever feel! So, it should stand to reason that there shouldn’t be anything holding you back from sharing what you like or don’t like in bed. Yet, that’s not the reality at all. Many women have a difficult time talking to their partners about what they want or need in the bedroom and the reasons why are as complicated as women themselves.
Well, we want to help you lay it all out on the table – tactfully, of course! And the best way to do that is to first explore one of the reasons why you may not be totally tuning your partner in to what’s going on between the sheets. This can be a tough thing to explore, but it’s necessary to have the sex life you deserve.
The Embarrassing Truth
Everyone has been an awkward pre-teen or teenager who was misunderstood, laughed at, and basically just filled with a big old ball of self-doubt – even Kim Kardashian was awkward once (seriously!). But here’s the kicker: You’re not that awkward kid with braces anymore. You’re a confident woman with an awesome partner who wants to take you to bed, so it’s time to think about how shame or embarrassment might just be holding you back from getting what you want and deserve out of your relationship.
Conversations, especially the ones where you open up and expose something delicate or really personal to another, can be difficult. We’re not just talking about having the big discussions about sex here, we’re talking about letting your man know your deepest fantasies and desires too. Maybe you’ve had bad experiences in the past when trying to talk things out, or maybe you’re fighting with ideas about sex or intimacy planted in your head while you were growing up. Hey, nobody said humans were simple creatures – we’re complicated! But we’re also really flexible and possess the ability to embrace change.
How to Work Past Shame and Embarrassment
As much as we wish we had a magic wand to wave over you and take away all your nervousness, fear, and uneasiness in talking things through, we don’t have that ability. What we can do is help you to figure out is how to work past your feelings and get the conversation with your partner started. Just starting the conversation is most of the battle, we promise!
First and foremost, don’t let yourself get mired down by your discomfort in having the talk. The longer you allow that feeling to fester, the larger hold it will have over you. Charge forward like Joan of Arc, proud and passionate. Once you start, it’s like a stone rolling down a hill – you’ll gain momentum and become unstoppable.
Easier said than done, we know. Here are two practical tips that should help break the ice:
- Start off small — Dip your toe into the pool with a topic that doesn’t make you feel quite as uneasy as others. A great place to start is by ‘stumbling’ upon a magazine with a sexy article (or a website just like this one!) that piqued your interest and then sharing it with your partner. This is how you can work on saying words that may make you uncomfortable such as clitoris or bondage. It’s not you introducing these words into the conversation with your partner, it’s the magazine article or website! Problem at least mostly solved, right?
- Tell a story – Once you have established comfort with reading juicy magazine articles together, move on to expressing your sexual desires to your partner in your own writing. Start a sex diary either on your laptop, tablet or on paper and share it with your partner, describing your fantasies. Then move onto speaking your own desires out loud.
In the End
If you feel so awkward that you can’t bring yourself to do some of these things, consider getting in touch with us or seeking the help of a therapist in order to move past some deeper issues. These things can also be a sign that the relationship you’re in may have deeper issues that should be addressed. But you know what? Progress is progress. Just reading this article is a step in the right direction to help you break out of a shame spiral surrounding intimacy in your relationship.
We believe that sex and intimacy are the cornerstones of a lifelong romantic bond. Whatever it takes — whether it’s reading our extensive content about pillow talk, the many great books out there on the topic, or talking to a therapist — we hope you reach a point of open communication with your partner so you can enjoy a deeply fulfilling relationship that you deserve.