Sex Talk: Just Spit It Out!


If you’re a fan of romance novels like 50 Shades of Gray or any Danielle Steele book, then you know that they can really add some spice to your bedroom activities. They also make for quite a pleasant afternoon by the pool (thank goodness for the privacy of Kindles – we may read Ice Planet Barbarian Lover, but we don’t want everyone to know that!) or for a night in your favorite pair of sweats with a pint of ice cream. But they can create problems too. One of those problems is the introduction of the inappropriate metaphor into how you discuss your sexual needs with your partner.

You know what we’re talking about when we say inappropriate metaphors. Expressions like swollen staff, pulsing core, petal-soft folds of womanhood – the list goes on! These terms may seem innocent enough, but they can become a real roadblock to talking to your partner about what you want in bed. How? Well, some people are just more comfortable dealing in metaphors than with real words such as clitoris, penis, or labia. But if you’re trying to have a conversation about where your clitoris is with your adorably clueless partner, then you’re not helping anything by referring to it as your “door of femininity.”

Using these metaphors can make something that is difficult to talk about even more so. We say that it’s time to embrace real language. It’s not an age-old rhythm – it’s sex. It’s not a fiery furnace — it’s a vagina! It’s not a love’s sweet arrow – it’s a penis! You get the point. The language you use to communicate your sexual needs to your partner matters. A lot.

The Words You Use

 We understand that sex can be difficult to talk openly about with your partner, but you have to make an effort if you want your message to get across so your guy learns how to properly push your love buttons. Telling him, “I’d like you to rub my clitoris in a circular motion,” would make many women blush. It may make you more comfortable to use metaphors rather than more appropriate words, and you don’t want your talk about sex to sound like the sex talk you awkwardly got from your parents in the 6th grade, but there are things you need to consider when you decide on what language to use if you want your sex talk to be effective.

It’s perfectly wonderful if you are the shy type who prefers to use flower references to describe your lady parts, or a proud dirty talker who embraces kinky jargon. Both options have their place in the bedroom, when you are singing praises to your partner in the heat of the moment. And please do be verbose in expressing your pleasure during sex. But it’s always going to be better to use appropriate language when you need to have a serious discussion about what’s going down (or not going down) between the sheets.

Romance novel language may confuse many guys and detract from the seriousness of the conversation. As for kinky or dirty words, you never know when they can trigger feelings of shame or disgust in another person — we all have hang ups, after all. If you want to be serious about mastering the skill of talking about tough topics with your partner, and communicating your sexual needs is near the top of the list, then don’t take the risk of using the wrong metaphor.

Plus, just think about how many romance novels your guy has read, like, ever! Men aren’t always the best at reading between the lines, and if he has no clue what you’re talking about because he’s not down with the lingo, then your tactic may just crash and burn, which means your partner will continue to miss the spot when you have sex. If you use direct and appropriate language with him while discussing your wants, needs, and desires in the bedroom, you’ll make sure to get your message across loud and clear.

In the End

 There is a time and a place for talking about Thor’s hammer and how it can be used on your Valhalla, but that place is not in a serious conversation where you want to express your needs and desires to your partner about intimate acts in the bedroom. Save the dainty and kinky talk for when you are bursting with pleasure in the moment, but stick to better language for this particular conversation and see where it takes you.