Sex Talk: Please Don’t Have It During Sex


If you have a pet, you know that the best way to communicate to them that they’ve done something wrong is to show them what they did wrong as soon as they do it, and then scold them for it. This is a great approach for pets, but not a great approach for your partner when you’re naked, vulnerable and doing your best to make a human sex pretzel.

Now, you may not think of your relationship or your partner in terms of training, but that’s exactly what each of you is doing as you learn and explore each other’s bodies as you date. Then, as you work on sustaining an exciting sex life in a long term relationship. That latter part can be especially tricky, because fighting boredom in the bedroom after a year or two of being together requires you to add new ideas to your sexual routine. Whether you just met or have been together for a while, you need to show the other person what you want, what you like, and what you fantasize about in the bedroom. Perhaps the most crucial element of communicating to your partner what you want and need to be satisfied, is the timing.

Timing is Everything

 You wouldn’t poke a sleeping bear, would you? Well, you shouldn’t attempt an important conversation with a grumpy guy, either. When you try to have a talk about what’s going on in the bedroom, you need to make sure that the time is right. Don’t do it when you’re both consumed with work or household chores. Don’t do it right when he walks through the door after a long day at work. Make sure both of you are in a good mood and not distracted by other things.

What is probably the worst time to tell your partner what you don’t like about your sex life and how you would like it to be different? In the moment, when you’re in bed together. No way! That is a conversation best saved for a time outside the bedroom if you want your message to get across without triggering performance anxiety in your guy. What could happen if you do it in the moment? Well, at best it could result in a bruised ego. At worst, he could get a lifelong performance anxiety, if your words pierce your guy a little too sharply. Since we are at our most vulnerable during sex, both physically and emotionally, even what appears to be a kindly worded benign commentary can strike the wrong cord in your partner. So we strongly suggest that you save anything resembling a critique for a better timed conversation.

Your Game Plan

 Now that you’ve found the right time to talk sex, what should you say? Well, don’t forget the sandwich principle that Kate & Courtney have talked about. Say something flattering or nice, slyly slide in what you want or need, and then finish strong with another nice comment. That’s a great way to keep your message positive and constructive, without making him feel like you’re scolding him or pointing out his flaws, which would surely put him on the defensive or cause an anxiety.

What should you do if you want to set your guy on the right path while you’re actually having sex? If he’s not being gentle enough or stimulating the wrong area, show him what he should be doing. Don’t be afraid to take his hand and lead the way for him! Men are visual creatures, so a live demonstration will have a huge impact and work wonders! If you’re feeling shy, just remember that it will drive him absolutely wild. Need proof? Just look at all the adult films devoted to the topic of masturbation!

Just remember to use the sandwich principle when you’re in bed too. A few well-timed moans or an “oh yes right there” never hurt anyone. We all need encouragement.

In the End

 No one in this world is perfect, but you have to remember you’re with your partner because there are many ways they are perfect for you. And in fact, you should expect that you and your partner will need a little “training” to get things right. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who believe in a ‘sexual soulmate’ report lower sexual satisfaction than those couples who believe that good sex comes from communication and growth. Just make sure to time your sex talk properly, and we guarantee your guy will be an eager student!