A Candid Interview with Podcaster Couple Married Millennials About Their Sex Life

A Candid Interview with Married Millennials About Their Sex Life

Come meet Married Millennials! But first, come on, admit it. Sex can feel routine sometimes. It happens to all long-term monogamous couples. You know the drill…. couple of kisses, maybe some hand techniques, a little boob action, pants come off and minutes later, the end.

Sex between monogamous adults can start to feel routine after just one or two years. Well, we wanted to find out how one happy couple navigates this very common problem.

The Love Jays, Justin and Joy, are a married couple in California who are very comfortable opening up about their relationship. In fact, they open up to thousands of listeners each week with their podcast, Married Millennials.

Check out our in-depth conversation below to find out how this couple of 10 years keeps the spark alive. Spoiler Alert: they decided to go celibate for 3.5 years of them! Find out the invaluable lessons they learned about sex and each other.

The V. Club Interview With Married Millennials

Jamie (The V. Club class instructor):  All right, I think it’s working. Yay. Okay, so I’m here with the Love Jay’s, Justin and Joy, and we are talking about how to keep up the desire in a longterm relationship, which we here at The V. Club, we know that that can be very difficult, and there’s lots of different ways that couples navigate this by trying to change things up now and then. And we’re really curious to ask you guys as a married couple. How long have you guys been married?

Joy: Going on three years this year.

Jamie: Three years. Okay. And how long were you together before you got married?

Joy: Eight years, so just over 10 years. Ten years.

Justin: Yeah, just over ten years together.

Jamie: All right, great. Now, I have listened to some of your podcasts, and I realize that you guys abstained for a couple of years?

Justin: Yes. Three and a half years.

Jamie: Wow. Okay. I know this isn’t on our list, but I was curious about if you could say why you guys chose to do that. I’m just curious.

Joy: It was very much a spiritual decision. If people asked like, “Was it religious?” And it wasn’t. I was washing dishes one day, I heard God say, you got to stop having sex. And I was like, oh, I didn’t hear that. So I kept washing dishes. Then I heard it again and I was like, oh my gosh. So Justin came home that day and we weren’t living together yet, but he was, he was staying over and I was sitting there. And I said, hey, babe, you know, I think we need to be  celibate, and my original pitch was for 40 days. And he went, “No, you got me!” And I said, it wasn’t me. It was God, I swear. He said, “I know. He had been telling me for the past couple months.” So, we were very much on the same page about it.

Justin: And it was one of those ones when she brought it up, we said, “Let’s do this.” At the time we started our celibacy journey, we had both in principle agreed that we were going to be together for the rest of our lives and build towards that. So I said, if the message was sent to both of us, instead of doing 40 days, let’s go all the way. And that 40 days turned into three and a half years, and I can confidently say that it changed our relationship and saved our relationship.

Jamie: Whoa. I want to know more about that! That’s so interesting! [Laughter]

Justin: It’s one of those where specifically for me as a man is a lot of men tie their identity to sex. And our sexual identity is so tied into our masculinity, you know, how we feel as a man, our confidence level, and we try to prove ourselves oftentimes through sex. And when sex was removed from our relationship, it forced me to establish my own identity as a man without latching on to sex. And what that did is it gave me power over sex for the first time in my life. A lot of times before, you know, you come in and you’re tempted and you’re like, okay, here’s the urge and desire to have sex and you move forward and you do it. And it feels like it’s one of those things that is in control of you and that you’re never in control of, but when I threw it to the wind and said we’re not doing this for three and a half years, I am now fully in control of that urge and that desire. So not only am I confident that I can dictate and control my own urges to say when I want to have sex and when I don’t want to have sex, but also I’ve been able to develop a new identity that is not at all tied to my sexual performance or sexual desires.

Jamie: Wow. That is so cool.

Joy: And our intimacy. And it was nice because it opened up our communication in a different way because we couldn’t express what we were feeling for each other through sex. So we had to use our words and different actions, you know, just cuddling or holding hands or hugging, telling each other how much we meant to each other and how much we appreciated one another. And if we weren’t having sex right now, this would be a time I would rip your clothes off. You know, that kind of thing, and it was sexy in a different way. And also it’s a bonding experience because it’s a goal that you two have to have together. You’re working towards something together.

Justin: And I want to throw this out there. There’s a lot of shame and guilt that’s associated around sex and this is no way, ya know, our decision wasn’t a shameful decision. Like, oh, sex is bad, that’s why we didn’t do it. No, sex is a beautiful thing. For us, we had to remove it in our relationship, so we knew the role that it played in our relationship and that was the biggest takeaway from it is that, well, okay, sex was just out of balance and once we took it out, we were able to develop a stronger foundation within ourselves. So then when sex was inserted back into our relationship, we knew how to place it.

Joy: Yeah.

Jamie: This is gold, you guys! You guys are so wise.  Oh my gosh. Now, when you define sex, is it all forms of sex?

Joy: Yeah, it was everything. So “hand stuff” we’ll call it  [laughter] …was a treat! It was like, okay, it’s been a couple, it’s been several months, but the first 40 days was definitely nothing. I want to say for the first year, we didn’t touch each other. And then after that, if we did hand stuff, it was…

Justin: Sparingly.

Joy: Yeah, like maybe a handful of times we did “hand stuff.” [Laughter]

Justin: But all oral and all intimate acts were nothing for three and a half years.

Joy: Yeah.

Jamie: What about kissing? Like deep kissing?

Joy: Totally fine.

Justin: Yeah, we did that, but what we also noticed with deep kissing is that when it got to a point we have to stop!

Joy: Because it leads to sex.

Justin: It led to more. You don’t realize the little steps along the way that can get you there and the way it can get you there. And the cool thing about kissing as well is it magnified kissing for us. Before I was like, okay, you know, kissing — that’s elementary. When you think of the longterm of sexual desires and activities that we participated in, kissing is on the juvenile scale. But when that’s all you have? Kissing is now this super passionate, strong emotional connector that it never used to be. And just like sex had a new role, kissing had a new role in our relationship too. So it was interesting to see how that dynamic shifted over time.

Joy: It felt like high school again, which could sound like it’s not fun, [laughter] but it was exciting that young love and it was just innocent. It was very innocent. Even though we had been previously naughty, because we did have four years of sex before that, so it’s not like we hadn’t explored one another. And I think that that actually really helped us because had we been curious about what we were missing out on, it probably would have been very difficult to not have sex. So our journey has been unique, but wonderful.

Jamie: Wow, that is really inspiring. Great. Well, I guess I’ll launch into some of these questions I sent you. So given that you guys took a few years off, three and a half years off and returned to it, I’m wondering if before that period or after that period if you ever experienced a “rut”? Or if you considered sex to be very predictable? Or if you guys were in some kind of a routine together, and sex became boring for either one of you.

Joy: So before we were celibate, I don’t remember being bored, but I mean definitely it was predictable because we’d been doing it for four years, so… And we were young enough to where it wasn’t an issue. It wasn’t an issue whether or not it was exciting. We were just happy to be doing it, [laughter] and I don’t know that I had fully owned my sexual nature yet. I knew that I was a sexual person, and sex was just sex. I think now on this side of things, now that I am actually a grown woman, I’m very, what’s the word I’m looking for….? Deliberate about sexual satisfaction. What do you want to say about that?

Justin: Oh, I’m going to answer the question. You didn’t answer it. Yes, we had a rut! [Laughter]

Joy: But not before! Okay so but after, because we were celibate for so long, I didn’t have the urge to have sex as frequently as Justin was expecting, because I had kind of wired myself to not need it, which I guess would be the downside of celibacy. So once we got married, he just kind of wanted it all the time, and I think I was trying to ease into it, because I also didn’t want to set the precedent that we were going to be doing it all day everyday for the rest of forever. I was trying to set it up a realistic schedule, if you will, for marriage, [laughter] which kind of backfired. So then once I realized he wanted it more frequently, I was like, well why don’t you want to do it as much? And once I figured out, okay, well yeah, you kind of squandered your urge to do it, let’s bring that back up. Then I realized he wasn’t being super nice to me about it. He would make side comments like, “Oh well, I don’t get it as much” or “Well, whenever we do have sex….” So it was just very snippy, which made me not want to have sex with him.

Justin: So to answer your question, the first two years of marriage, our sex life was not good. It was as Joy said, we were trying to figure out the reintroduction of sex, and how it played in our relationship after being absent for three and a half years. But also as Joy touched on, her sexual needs had changed. When we were younger, it was not a thought of this strong, emotional, intimate activity. Where now that we were married, she wanted more of an emotional, intimate connection. And for me it was like, I’m just trying to get a physical release, it’s been three and a half years. So that was my mindset. So then we had to graduate. Really it was me, we had to move sex, and this was not just a physical activity of ‘I please you, you please me,’ but it was something more than that. And so it took time, and I didn’t realize that my emotional state of communication and my mental wellbeing had played such a factor in how Joy wanted to receive sex and if she enjoyed sex. So as we continued to become more solid in our marriage as husband and more solid as wife, and understanding our roles with each other, we were able to grow emotionally, grow spiritually, grow mentally. And for that our sex has improved. Uh, but for the first two…..

Joy: It’s great now! We’re having good sex! [Laughter]

Justin: Yeah, we’re having really good sex now. But for the first two years it was not.

Joy: Awful. I was just doing it because I was like, well, it’s been three and a half years, and you should do it because, you know, it’s your husband. But I was thinking like, man, is this what it’s going to be like? Hopefully it improves. I didn’t, I didn’t realize that I needed to speak up about it, but once it got to a point where I realized that it wasn’t going to [laughter] improve, I had to say something, and it took a second for me to figure out what was going on inside of me, what were the emotions I was feeling and then communicate them with him.

Jamie: And how did you receive that from Joy, Justin?

Justin: How did I receive her feelings of dislike? I could see in the actions in the bedroom, but then also every time I would ask, it was like, it was a laborious question. And so it became one of those where I just didn’t feel the reciprocation or the enjoyment that she wanted to have sex. So I grew frustrated by it. I remember it was right around the two year mark and I was just like, this sucks. Like this is not fun. We’re fighting tooth and nail just to have sex. We didn’t have a schedule, we didn’t have any expectations of each other, we just reinserted it and never had a conversation. Our emotional base had changed, so I knew that there was tension going on, but we had just never talked about it. And when you have enough bad sex, eventually [laughter] you’re going to have a conversation.

Joy: Because no one likes bad sex.

Justin: Yeah and so we just sat down and I said, okay, what is the issue here? And Joy was able to communicate a whole new side that I was completely unaware of and then we were able to lay a groundwork. Okay, well how often would you like to have sex? Does that work for you? Okay. When are the best times? So then we opened a dialogue of communication, so then it slowly started to improve, and then once we got into a better emotional state, we were then able to elevate our sex to another level which we’re currently at, which is really good.

Joy: Yeah.

Jamie: Well I’m so glad to hear that. Did you guys get outside support through a therapist during that time, or did you just work it out between the two of you?

Justin: It was something we worked out between the two of us. You know, we had thought about it, and I know I had talked to a few of my married friends and had asked, “How do you navigate this?” “What’s the struggle?” And it was like, this is, you know, we all experienced it, and it’s something you just have to talk about. I said, okay, well let me… It felt good to hear from other married men that they have struggled in the same way and for that I was like, okay, so I’m not a unicorn here, but now we just need to come up with a solution.

Joy: Yeah, and I talked to some of my friends as well, and they were saying that sex did feel like a chore for them, and they weren’t enjoying it as much either, and they just kind of wanted their men to, you know, to get their nut off, for lack of a better word [laughter] and just be done with it. Like it’s a chore that they had to do, and I didn’t want intimacy to be a chore. So we really had to sit down and talk about it and figure it out. And it took work. It’s not like we sat down one time and then everything was fine. It was more, it was. We sat down a few times, there was some trial and error, and we had to give back to where we were with celibacy with communication and being comfortable with talking about what our expectations were and how we wanted to be pleasured. And, I want to note too, I felt during sex, Justin wasn’t listening to me like when it came to being intimate, I would, you know, “No, over there a little bit, over there,” and he felt like he knew better, so he would continue to do what he was doing. So on top of it already feeling like this task that I had to do, I didn’t feel like my needs were being met or heard. So it was a difficult period. But we pulled through it. We pulled through it.

Jamie: Well, I have to say that the challenge that you guys are describing is very normal, right? As you found out talking to your friends. I hear it a lot, but I think that the way that you guys worked it out is not normal as far as I know. [Laughter] So good for you! I’m like super impressed and I’m thinking like, wow, thank God you guys have a podcast and that you’re open about this, because a lot of people don’t have models of married couples in their lives that they can really glean this kind of wisdom from, ya know? So, great. It sounds like you guys sat down in these talks, and I’m guessing they weren’t times where you were in the middle of being intimate. These were other times where you maybe scheduled to sit down and have this conversation.

Justin: Mmm-hhmm.

Jamie: Okay. And you negotiated, it sounds like.

Justin: Yeah.

Jamie: So, number of times per week did you talk about and try to work out?

Joy: We did talk about it. We haven’t stuck with it completely. But are you good right now?

Justin: I am good, you know, so I had originally… my expectation was, I said, I would like to have it at least once a week.

Joy: Which is….I’m like okay, that’s very, very reasonable.

Justin: I was like at least once a week. And there are times where it doesn’t happen once a week, there are times when it happens multiple times in the same week, but because we’re having good sex right now, I don’t feel as frustrated or as pushy, and saying, “We didn’t do this this week! And we didn’t do this next week.” So it allows me to come from a better base. Whereas before that, I was like, I want to do this once a week, and it’s like pulling teeth, and then when we have it, it sucks. So now I’m frustrated and upset. So the expectation, I shouldn’t even say the expectation. What we agreed upon is at least once a week. However, we understand that life happens, and if it doesn’t happen once this week, it happens, you know, another time the following week and maybe twice that week. But because again, we’re in a better place with it, when we have it, it’s fireworks and it’s good. So we’re not upset that if it doesn’t happen on this exact schedule that we had originally planned out.

Joy: Yeah.

Jamie: Mmm-hhmm. So did you set a schedule? Did you say, okay, on Saturday night this is going to be our time?

Joy: No, we didn’t. We didn’t do a specific day. Maybe we should. I know with kids we definitely will, because we’re the type of people, as you know, we have a podcast. We have an event at the end of the month. We are working on another e-course. So we do, we work together too, and I’m full time. He’s an entrepreneur with another business. So we’re working a lot, and because of that sometimes…Our marriage doesn’t get put on the wayside, but sex isn’t necessarily a priority. Sometimes it’s nice to just hang out with each other. But I know that when we introduce children, we’re going have to, we’re going to have to say, okay, Saturday night or Wednesday nights or you know, whenever we’re going to have a sex night, and we’re going to have to have a date night. We’re just not at that point where it has to be written into the schedule yet.

Justin: But to say is that because we work together as well, we do have a schedule set up. The nights that we work, the nights that we’re business partners, and nights where we’re husband and wife. And typically our sex has fallen on nights that we are husband and wife. So while it’s not necessarily this day, we do have days of the week that are dedicated to work and dedicated to husband and wife, and because of that we know it puts us in the mindset like on these three days were likely not going to have sex because when we come home, we got to work and accomplish some tasks. On these nights where we’re just hanging out, it’s more likely to happen. So we kinda do have a schedule but not as direct as saying these specific days and times of when it’s gonna happen.

Jamie: Do you think that allowing some space for spontaneity makes it sexier than saying like, “On Saturday night at 7:00 PM, I’m going to see you”? [Laughter]

Justin: 100 percent.

Joy: Definitely.

Justin: And I think that’s part of our hesitancy for creating it is because we don’t want sex to be this robotic act or this chore that, “Okay, well it’s something that we got to just put a checklist by.” You know, if you think of in life things that you have to assign a task and put a check box on, you don’t necessarily have the same fulfillment and enjoyment when you’re accomplishing or achieving this task. And we never want sex to feel like a check box that we have to complete in our relationship. And so because of that freedom, when we have it, it’s nice and there are moments where Joy will just come up and say something or give me a little sign, and I was like, “Oh, right now? We’re doing this right now? I’m like, okay great!” And it feels good, because it’s like, okay, then we can do a little role play and have a little fun. Whereas if it was like, okay, we know at 7:00 on Saturday night we’re going to do this, it’s like it takes out all the potential fun that could go along with the spontaneity of having sex.

Jamie: Yeah, I know. It’s like we’re such a task driven culture, right? We don’t want to add sex to that list of things to do. [Laughter]

Justin: No. And I am a goal list, task master. I write down everything and I’m accountable. Feels good when I can put a line through it. Sex is not one of those things I ever want to add to my to-do list. It’s something that’s a necessity, but I do not want to put a box on it every single week.

Jamie: Yeah. Right on. [Laughter] Okay, cool. How do you guys feel about sex toys? Have you ever tried any?

Joy: Yeah. Love sex toys. [Laughs] I won’t say “Who doesn’t?” because of course some people probably don’t, but I think they are a good way to just spice things up. Introduce a new element into the bedroom. We are not a sex toy every time couple. And you expressed….So if sex toys are already on the table, it’s good, right? If they’re already in, I grabbed them right in the beginning, it’s good, but if I grab it midway, you don’t like that.

Justin: Yeah, so in the very beginning when we introduced sex toys, I had a complex. I was like, well am I not good enough, am I not able to satisfy you fully? So I was perturbed by the whole idea. But then when we started using it, sex toys can do things that I just physically can’t do. {Laughs] They have power that I don’t have. And once I realized that it’s a complimentary tool and not a replacement tool…

Joy: Exactly!

Justin:  ….I was able to be more receptive with sex toys. I am still getting better and we still, we do want to introduce more toys. Joy has been really saying this for the last year, it’s like let’s just spice it up. Let’s try some some different things.

Joy: I just want to have fun. [Laughter] I just want to be ridiculous and have fun. Why not? It’s your bedroom, it’s a safe space, and we are all sexual primal creatures. I want to express that. And I want to express it with you. [Laughs]

Justin: No, I appreciate that. Yeah, but it’s very easy to let your ego and your male complex go,  “I can satisfy you in full!” And I was like, no, okay, let’s see how this works, and the times that we use it, it’s a completely different experience….and which has been interesting and in the end result for me typically is always the same. [Laughter] So you can adjust your mindset and realize that it’s a complimentary tool, and your wife can receive more satisfaction in doing it. Check your ego at the door and have fun and enjoy.

Jamie: Well again, I want to say your response, Justin, is very normal. For a lot of men, they feel at first like “What? I’m not good enough?” [Laughter] But you know, I think it’s safe to say a sex toy could never take the place of your “human,” you know, your “person.” But yeah, they can be complementary. I’m wondering if you guys have a favorite one that you’d like to mention or throw out there?

Joy: Uh, just a bullet.

Jamie: Oh yeah, the little bullet vibrator.

Joy: Yeah, simple. Gets the job done. Easy.

Jamie: Uh-huh, cool. [Laughter] Awesome. Do you guys have a plan to make sure that you maintain this sexual satisfaction in your marriage?

Joy: I think the plan is constant communication. It can’t really be anything other than that, because being together for 10 years, we’ve experienced already changes within ourselves, our emotional bases, our personalities in general. We’re evolving human beings, so the strategy has to be to continue to talk about your needs and your wants and your desires, and that’s really all that you can do.

Justin: Yeah and after we had our conversation like why are sex sucks, we have just made it a constant point is that we’re going to check in constantly with sex. So, was it good? Was it enjoyable?  You want to try anything different? It’s just constantly checking in to make sure because as you do grow, needs change, feelings change, wants change.

Joy: Your body changes!

Justin: Yeah, very true!

Joy: What pleasured me at 18 is not what pleasures me at 28…

Justin: Not at all.

Joy: It’s very different…It’s a different system almost. And even hormonally, it depends on where I am in my cycle, where, what feels good and what doesn’t. So a trick that works on, you know, week one doesn’t necessarily work on week three. So it’s just, it’s constant communication and a willingness to be receptive to that communication.

Justin: And as we said earlier is both of us agreed that sex was not going to become a chore or a checklist item. So we said if it ever feels like it’s becoming a chore or checklist item, it’s time to sit down and have a conversation and figure out what we’re doing wrong and how we can get back on track.

Jamie: That is so good. Yeah. I just really like you guys a lot!

Justin: Ditto! We like you too!

Jamie: Yeah. And you know, a lot of things that you’re bringing up are things that we try to educate people on at The V. Club too, and it seems like you guys have figured out, you know, what’s working for both of you, but I think it’s a lot of universal truths that you’re naming about just being in relationship. And, you know, we also focus on changes that happen in the body, and it can get complicated. So the better you know yourself, the easier it will be. It sounds like you guys have gotten to know yourselves really well, so that’s huge. Great. Well, I guess my last curiosity is just about times when maybe one of you wants to have sex more than the other, you know, at this stage after you guys have overcome the two year period of having not so good sex versus now when you guys are are in a really good place, Even now, are there times when one of you is eager to have it and the other one is like, not so much? And how do you work that out?

Justin: Yes. [Laughter] Absolutely.

Joy: I’ve been a crazy person lately, so [laughs] he told me, he’s like, “I feel used,” [laughter] because I’ve just been so like hormonally ready to rock, and I can’t help it! I said, “Is this what you feel like all the time?” And he was like, yes! So actually it’s an interesting aspect because the roles have kind of reversed. It’s that thing again where, like I said, you hormonally shift, things change, and now I’m just, I want it all the time.

Justin: Yeah. And so usually it’s the guy who’s constantly knocking on the door. I want to have sex, I want to have sex, and I was that way. And Joy always used to say is that, you know, I just feel like I’m just sitting here as a way for you to release yourself and go on. And now that sex has become better, she’s knocking on the door multiple times a week, and I’m like….

Joy: He has abs now. He’s been working out [laughs]….

Justin: And I was like, I just feel used!

Joy: He’s meditating, so he’s in a great headspace. And you know, sex is also an exchange of energy, so his energy is very attractive to me now.

Justin: But before it was like, you know, I used to knock on the door, and you would, “No, no, no, no, no.” And I was like, I finally understand! I was like, I just feel used! And there are times where I’m like, this is just not…It’s not the time, whether…

Joy: Yeah, he tried to tell me no. [Laughter]

Justin: Yeah, there are times when, you know, the spontaneity you talked about, when I’m in the middle of working on something, and I’m like, “Ah, this is not the time.” But I’m also trying to become more receptive of that spontaneity. It’s that, “Okay, do you enjoy having sex?” Absolutely. So if your wife is knocking on your door two to three times a week and she wants to do it, then obviously you’d be a fool to say no. But however, since it is more than just a physical exchange — it’s a mental, spiritual, and emotional exchange of energy. If I don’t feel that I’m in the right head space, I am not going to agree to it, because I want to make sure that we’re engaging in it at a high frequency, at a high level, and it makes sense. So I have at times said no, crazy enough, but I would say 90 percent of the time, I do agree, and I’m glad that that I oblige to participating. [Laughter] But right now, Joy’s sex drive is deinitely higher than mine.

Joy:  It’s through the roof.

Jamie: [Laughs] That’s so good that you get to experience that sort of role reversal or gender typical reversal.

Joy: Yeah. It’s been educational to say the least. And I asked him, I said, “Which side of things is it harder to be on? The side where it’s like, I want it, I want it, I want it? Or the side where you know your partner wants some, but you’re not necessarily in the mood?”

Justin: It’s being on this side now. Like I don’t want to do this.

Joy: It’s worse! [Laughter]

Justin: It’s worse! [Laughs] 100 percent.

Joy: Yeah, because I’ve enjoyed, you know…I feel like, you know, a lion that’s on the prowl. [Laughter] It’s fun.

Jamie: Oh my gosh. Are you a Leo by the way?

Joy: I am not. I’m a virgo. Just passed.

Jamie: Just passed. What are you, Justin?

Justin: I’m an Aquarius.

Jamie: You’re an Aquarius. I’m a Leo. Yeah. August 15th.

Joy: Nice.  We’re close. We’re in birthday proximity.

Jamie: [Laughs] Well,  just one more question about that. So Justin, when you say no, how do you do that?

Justin: It typically doesn’t work…. [Laughter] I’ll just say what’ll happen… and it’s not a hard no. It’s a “give me an hour,” and then it happens. So she’ll come in and say something. I guess I’m in the middle of something or like I’m not quite right, so then I’ll take a second. But then at the same time I’m like, are you going to sit here and deny your wife sex? [Laughter] No. So then I’ll get myself mentally ready and then I’ll typically go in. So it’s delayed spontaneity, but it still works. And then there are times where I’m just tired. I succumb to sleep. I’m one of those people when I’m tired, I’m tired. And we’ll be in the bedroom, and she may say, “Hey, you want to do it?” And I’m like, no disrespect.

Joy: He’s exhausted.

Justin: I’m tired, and I don’t want to have bad sex. That’s really what it comes down to for me. I’d rather have less great sex than more average sex. So if it’s saying no to an average sex to have an additional night or two of amazing sex, I’m willing to make that concession.

Joy: Yeah.

Jamie: So you guys are quality versus quantity.

Justin and Joy: 100 percent. Yeah.

Jamie: So I’m still wanting to hear the script. Like you say, “No disrespect, I’m tired.” Is that exactly what you would say?

Justin: Usually if I’m tired, the script is, “Not tonight, baby. I got to get up early. I just want to get some sleep. I’ve had a long day,” and then she’ll be like “fine,” and then I’ll feel bad.

Joy: But I’m not really that mad about it. It’s more like, okay, I’ll do it myself. That’s how I do. [Laughter]

Justin: Yeah, that is your saying, you’re like, “Yeah, okay, fine.” I’m like, “All right, goodnight.” And that’s typically what it is. It’s just like a “No, not right now. I’m not feeling it.” And then she’ll give me a response. “Well I’ll just do it myself,” and sometimes I’m like, “Okay, great.”

Joy: You do not like to hear I’ll do it.

Justin: No, I don’t like to hear how you do it yourself, but there’s times where I’m like, okay, this is not going to happen. So if you go relieve yourself, I’m completely fine with it. But then there may be times like, “Nah, I don’t want you to do that. I just need an hour.” And then so I’ll say that, “Just give me a little bit” and then you’ll give me a little bit, and then I’ll come in there and do something to hint at it, and then we’ll begin.

Joy: Yeah, but there’s never any bitterness because we have communicated enough now where we don’t have too much riding on sex. We’re in a very good place. So even if he says no or I say no, there’s no like, [makes a disgruntled sound] about it anymore. It’s just like, okay, [laughs] next time!

Jamie: That is so cool. You guys are really wonderful.

Justin: Oh, thank you.

Jamie: Well, I want to thank you so much for this time and sharing all of this wisdom that you’ve guys have gained in your relationship over the years and your openness. It’s really a gift that you’re giving all of us by sharing about your relationship.

Joy:  Happy to share. Happy to share.


I hope you enjoyed our conversation as much as I did. It’s truly a gift when a couple shares their insight and experience with others. Thank you, Love Jays!

If you’d like to hear more “gold” from Married Millennials, check out their weekly podcast here!