Let’s face it, dating is hard.
We all want to fall in love. In our trying quest, we often put our rose-colored glasses on and overlook unfavorable personality traits like extreme selfishness, lack of consideration, and controlling behavior. I want to share my personal experience with one of the most dreaded types of people in the dating world: a possessive person.
As someone who has been harassed by a possessive person to the point where the authorities had to get involved, I can tell you that this breed of suitors can be tough to spot right out of the gate. Many possessive people are smooth operators when it comes to dating. The rose-colored glasses don’t help either.
Through my own unfortunate experience, I want to help you to see some of the signs that may be early indicators that you’re dating a possessive person. Why? So you won’t have to go to the police when they threaten your life after you break up with them after three dates. #Truestory
Warning Sign No. 1: They Aim to Please (At First)
They are really nice to you. They are really considerate of your feelings. They really care about what you care about. Really! They come off as a “pleaser” because, well, they want to please you. They will do almost anything to make you happy. Oh, and the wining and dining…Yum!
They are a dream, they are perfect, they seem almost too good to be true — because they are.
When I first started dating a possessive person, I was immediately charmed. He clearly wanted to make me happy. I felt like the only woman in the room around him.
Then suddenly, the attention turned into smothering. If we skipped talking one day, he would get extremely upset. Did I mention I had to answer his texts within an absurdly short time frame to avoid wrath?
Warning Sign No. 2: They’re Clingy and Controlling
You don’t have to be a possessive person to be clingy. Sometimes you may just really like someone and want to be with them all the time. We all have our own needs when it comes to the quantity of quality time we seek in a relationship.
What differentiates possessive people is that they want you to reserve all of your time for them. They will be constantly forcing themselves into your social calendar, stalking your social media, or just randomly showing up to where you are. Well, hello there?!
What happens if you go MIA (for a few hours)? They will bombard you with messages and phone calls. You should know that if they can’t get a hold of you, they will most likely assume you’re with someone else. That never leads to anything good.
After our first date, my possessor wanted me to stop talking to other guys. Like an idiot, I obliged. No, I didn’t think it was a reasonable request. But the sparks were there and I wasn’t seeing anyone else anyway. Not my proudest moment.
Warning Sign No. 3: They Want You to Cater to Their Every Wish
Possessive people want to get their way. Pronto. Delayed gratification is not an option for them. Even if you have been dutifully appeasing their every wish, the first time you finally say “No”, even to something small, it will make them go through the roof.
On our second date, after we finished watching a movie, my possessor wanted to make out in the lobby. I had no interest in a hot and heavy public display. He got so mad that he didn’t speak to me for a week.
Warning Sign No. 4: They’re Short-Tempered and Emotionally Manipulative
Short temper may not apply to every possessor, but it did to mine — when he got upset with me, he went from pleaser to Incredible Hulk angry at the drop of a hat!
To boot, possessive people don’t care if they’re ever at fault; they have no interest in understanding their role in the situation. Their actions may be completely irrational, but they will still try to make you believe that you’re the responsible party, and threaten you if you don’t want to take their viewpoint. It’s classic emotional manipulation that is easy to fall for due to Warning Sign No. 1.
My possessor liked to threaten me with posting my personal info and intimate pictures on adult sites. More on that later…
Word to the wise, ladies — be careful who you share intimate pictures with.
Warning Sign No. 5: They’re Vengeful
A possessive person’s anger and emotional manipulation often takes the form of spiteful, passive-aggressives actions. It could take a while for you to catch on, but eventually you will see a dangerous pattern emerge.
It wasn’t until after I told my possessor that I was no longer interested in dating him that he showed his true colors by carrying out his threat and putting my personal contact information and pictures on adult sites, leading people to believe I wanted to act out a rape fantasy.
It resulted in his arrest and a restraining order against him. Luckily, I was safe, but it was no fun at all.
Warning Sign No. 6: They’re Passionate (In a Crazy Way)
Possessive individuals are known to do stalker-y, creepy things and claim that they do it because they’re just so crazy about you. They got the crazy part right!
Don’t make the mistake of confusing clingy behavior with passion. It’s flattering when a person shows interest in us for sure. But if they don’t respect our personal boundaries when it comes to our personal time and space, we should run!
Remember that their “passion” is not about you. It will surface too early in a relationship to be warranted, well before you even have the chance to establish a deep connection. It’s about them and their desire to control someone.
If you recognize a number of these traits in the person you are dating, then take a long, hard look at your relationship. Have a conversation about what your expectations are for each other. Just make sure you choose your words carefully. Your goal is to be as constructive as possible.
If you find that the conversation quickly gets turned around to make you out to be the bad guy, that’s another red flag moment. I would recommend ending the conversation there. You have now collected enough evidence to arrive at the conclusion about what type of person you are dating.
At the end of the day, possessiveness is a sign of insecurity and low self-esteem. Possessive people want to (over)protect what they think is rightfully theirs — and you are no one’s property. Keep your eyes open and always listen to that little voice inside that’s trying to tell you something just isn’t right!
Most importantly, stay safe!
Contributor. Tiffy Kink is a sex blogger who created her blog the Aquakink to talk about all things sexy and not so sexy. Her goal is to spread sex positivity to others and encourage an open dialogue about self-pleasure and self-love and what they truly mean. Tiffykink@gmail.com